It used to be that when a break up happened, it was a real breaking of ties. Sometimes maybe you would see that person again, depending on proximity of work, school and/or residence, but sometimes you could go years or an eternity without seeing that ex again. Not anymore. I love Facebook as much as the other 499,000,000 members, but it presents a serious problem when you just want to move on and forget about an ex.
I recently broke up with someone after a year of courtship. While the break up was fine and reasonably friendly, there is really no need to know what he is up to all the time, and he doesn’t need to have access to my musings either. So the result, after a boozy conversation with two of my most trusted advisers, is that I’ve deleted him from Facebook. No bitterness, just done. I like that when I log on now, I no longer have to get hit with his whereabouts and thoughts. It’s nice…for the most part…
All was well throughout our relationship and as a result, our social worlds collided and combined. This of course means we share many Facebook connections—family, friends, colleagues. Now comes my new dilemma: do I leave my delete at just him or do I do a full blown Facebook sweep and delete all of the mutual connections I met through him, while also asking my friends and family to delete him? That may seem mean, but the reality is that when you lose the connection point—i.e., the ex—to an in-law, why not take it even further? The only reason you hung out with them was because technically you had to, so what’s the point of staying in touch unless they are really fascinating people (which I have to say many of his friends are, others not so much) or buy you really nice presents? Sometimes the best part of a breakup is losing connections to their family and weird friends. Not always, but seriously a lot of the time and I’m sure you want to admit it too, but can’t if you’re in a relationship.
Is the Facebook sweep akin to going through and deleting all photos of him and saying bad things about him in the public arena? It feels like the perception will be that I can’t handle it, like I would be yelling: “Woe is me in this world without said boyfriend!” UGH. The reality, however, is that I can handle it but I don’t really want to be blasted with photos and posts about him when I log on. Is that so wrong? I was with another one of my advisers the night after the deletion and she brought up the very valid point that to really move on from a relationship, access to the ex needs to stop. It’s a good point. How can one really move on if images and information of your ex constantly appear? I have no idea how celebrities do it.
In the good old days of the early 2000s, breaking up with someone involved not talking anymore and not really knowing anything about them. That was grand. In those days, maybe I would see an ex out at a bar or in a food court, but that was it. Sometimes I would maybe hear some gossip about something they did, but that could be easily avoided and usually by the time I heard it, I was over it anyway. Facebook provides facts. Facts of the ex moving on. Facts about who they are connecting with. Facts that prove they may be over you. Facts that they are maybe doing weird, out of character things. Or, simply the fact that they continue to do things that you used to enjoy together and then that makes you a bit sad.
It’s weird to have an all access pass to someone’s life that you really shouldn’t have. How can one move on with that? I deem it a little impossible. I'm not ready to delete the fascinating friends yet, but as soon as my ex starts making a regular appearance on their profile I will have to call it quits.
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